Been dating for 2 years


I think you've answered your question. In response to, "Have you ever broken up with someone despite the fact that they still loved you and vice versa," the answer is yes, and we're both a million times better off for it, but it took a long time, and it would have been easier if we'd gotten our acts together a lot earlier and gotten right to the point.

You do it tactfully, and if possible, mutually. If you're lucky, you'll only have to do this once or twice -- we did it about four times, and then it finally stuck. She may be depressed, because it sounds like she's unhappy with a lot of things and that's interfering with your relationship and she's not doing much to change things.

You should suggest that she talk to a psychologist though not that bluntly. Best case scenario, things change for the better. Worst case scenario, you break up as you would have otherwise. Being immature is rarely as rewarding as you think it's going to be. Or, if you prefer the less gentle response: Buddy, you and me are part of a whole generation of losers who want to keep boozing it up and playing video games into their forties. Bucking the trend isn't exactly a bad thing. The time is now, yes; you're in the prime of your life. The prime of life isn't for wasting on booze and parties, my friend; it's for wasting on creating and destroying and creating again, on building cities and amassing thoughtfulness, on getting something you want.

And there's no quicker way to discover that than to throw away a perfectly good relationship for the sake of some perceived right to be childish.


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I think you answered your own question right there. You should be happy and thankful you have someone who loves you. If you think she's depressed, help her—don't run out on her. Do you love her enough to go get counseling on your own? You love her, she won't get help. You're asking strangers on the internet for advice anonymously which precludes any back and forth between you and us.

You need to hash this out with the help of another human being.

That's what therapists do. If I were in your situation I'd stick with it. It sounds like you have it pretty good. Yeah it's kind of a tough time right now, but why bail on something that, overall, makes you happy? My boyfriend and I went through something like this not too long ago. I'm in school and he's not, and he always wanted me to go out and do things with him when I had homework or was generally grumpy and stressed. My mood rubbed off on him because he felt he could never, in good conscience, go out and have fun without me.

If I wanted to sit at home and watch TV then he had to do that too. That path leads nowhere good, and don't let yourself get stuck on it. Go out on your own and have fun with your friends -- if she's a good girlfriend she'll let you do it.

If she guilts you and demands you stay home to mope with her, then you should break up. Really, you should talk with her about this. Not about thinking you're missing out on life, but about what you expect of each other, the problems you see, and how they can be fixed.

If she won't interrupt her patterns, and you can't interrupt them, then that means you will continue on like this until either some sort of natural breaking point is reached by one or both of you. Is that anyway to span time together? Waiting for the inevitable irreconcilable difference, or for some fit of fortune to make things official?

You need to be up front about this and your concerns about your relationship, or else you could limp along like this for years. Part of the problem stems from the fact that you see problems in her life that she doesn't see. Cranky and depressed is obviously the new normal for her, and she's so used to it that it would never occur to her to do anything to get "better". It's like convincing a colorblind person that an object is a different color than they perceive it.

Good luck with that. These kinds of basic compatibility issues are really important to sort out as you go.

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You can't wait and hope that they'll iron themselves out over time. Right now you seem to feel she is unreachable and that she doesn't need you the way you'd like to be needed. You need to find out if this is a phase you guys are going through, or if she's pretty much content with the way things are. You need to have a few big sobbing fights full of hard questions and even harder answers, after which you will know each other better and may decide you're better off together after all.

I suspect that people's fear of "fighting" keeps them from examining lots of important corners of their relationships, but that slow boil of bickering you're engaging in is actually a far more insidious threat to your relationship than a few thorough fights would be. She has, for whatever reasons, no interest in doing anything about her misery.

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It's gotten good to her. You can choose to stay around for it and be miserable yourself, or you can walk away and be there for her as a friend. The thing is, your relationship is already over, and you're only just beginning to realise it. I'm not sure from what you've said if she realises, or indeed whether she cares. You need to be true to yourself and your happiness. It may be trite, but better to regret the things you've done, not the things you never did.

I'm roughly ten years past where you are right now, and yeah, the going out and partying all the time and being a generally immature man-child day after day thing does pall eventually Life keeps grinding you down and getting harder, so why not have some fun along the way? As a side note It takes something like weeks for them to actually start having a real effect, or at least that's what my doctor told me. If you want to go out, you should go out. If she wants to come with you, great.

If not, go anyway. Right now she's used to you staying in with her, if you start going out, she may be more likely to go with you. She just doesn't have to do that right now in order to spend time with you.

12 questions couples should be able to answer about each other after a year together

You sound like you have a pretty good thing going. Consider the vast amount of people who don't have anybody to love at all. Either be more forceful about getting her the emotional and mental help that she so obviously needs, or get your own help dealing with her crankiness. Good things are worth hard work, and reading your post, it seems like you really love her.

It would be remiss of you to run out on her when she needs someone who loves her to help. I do have to reiterate what dirtynumbangelboy says, it takes two months, not one, for meds to kick in, and often that one moth period of change can really whack a person out. I also have to agree with heavenstobetsy, you should feel comfortable going out and doing things on your own. Perhaps a new friend can help, and perhaps she will deign to accompany you once in a while, but you don't have to be with her constantly to help her.


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Loving each other is great, and it's a great start for a relationship. I used to be of the belief that love was enough to sustain a relationship between two people who were committed to each other; but I have since found that it takes a lot more than love. It takes work, and it takes compatibility.

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You don't choose who you love, but you can "choose" if I may borrow the scare quotes who you're compatible with. Since this is your first serious girlfriend, it sounds like you're finding out you're not compatible, but since you've never been with someone you were compatible with, you don't know the difference. I sympathize with your situation: I have very low energy levels due to chronic medical issues. I very often have to ditch things that do interest me. With my ex, he would choose to stay home, but would feel bad about it since he legitimately wanted to be with me, but felt like he would be "abandoning" me to go out and do things.

With my current partner, if I'm not up to something and he wants to go, he goes anyway, enjoys himself, and I don't feel guilty for "keeping him away" from fun stuff.

12 questions couples should be able to answer about each other after a year together - HelloGiggles

We also do plenty of fun stuff together, but if I'm not up to it, that's fine and no one feels any pressure or resentment. I had no idea how much of a relief this would be until I realized a few months into the relationship that my staying home was a non-issue, whereas in my previous relationship, it was often a source of tension. So, this is one example of what I mean by "compatible. There are other examples of this as well, but I'll just stick with this one.


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I used to think that "compatible" meant "compatible personalities"; someone who shared your interests and laughed at your jokes.

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